I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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