the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize