he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
