Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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