Your face is a jimmy john
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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