Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
