He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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