Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
