you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
