i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
