I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Randomize
