I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
