I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
