Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
