I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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