I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
