Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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