I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
