A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
