I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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