dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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