dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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