There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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