im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
