fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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