Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
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Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
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I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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