Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I can't turn off my feet"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
