you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
