Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
