I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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