Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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