Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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