I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
