so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
