i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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