Will you blow on my dice?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just gargled with NyQuil
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
