my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
