Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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