just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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