I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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