I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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