is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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