I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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