Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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