I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
