found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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