My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
