im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
