i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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