New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
