My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
