I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
