Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
