First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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