My hand turned me down
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
