she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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