so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
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THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
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I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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