you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
