I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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