i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
