I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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